I'm an angry person

Last Sunday PK completed his series "The Emo Whisperer" with a sermon on Anger. I tell you, it got to me, not as much as his on jealousy, but it got me. To me, both went hand in hand. I am angry at soooo many people from over the years. PK said part of letting it go, we have to identify what was taken from us, so we can frogive the debt. But thats whats hard, with so many people I am mad at, they really didn't take anything per say, just really hurt my feelings, and I mean REALLY hurt my feelings. I figured one way to healing is to get it all out there.

I am angry with all the kids from my school years, elementary through high school, and there are alot of those. I was treated horrifically for my entire youth. Constantly bullied and harassed. It was so bad that at the very beginning of my freshman year in highschool I attempted suicide. I am also angry at the adults that were around, who didn't do anything to try to end my torment, or tried to blame me for it, or imply that I WAS CAUSING IT. This means teachers, youth leaders, church leaders, and parents of other kids. I actually asked a teacher in 6th grade why I was always getting sent to the office, instead of the kids doing the wrong. She actually replied that it was easier to send one person (me) instead of 5-10, or the rest of the class. While there was a point to that logic, I pointed out that it made me look and feel like I was the problem.

I am angry at my father (he has no right to be called dad) for being a creep and causing my mom to leave him, then for being a pedophile (not to me or my sis thank god) afterwards and going to prison. He was never there, and a very sick individual, and I never knew him, and do not want to, but that doesn't change the fact that things could have been different had he been there.

I am angry at my mom, for many reasons. For raising me as a Mormon. This is a big root of my pain growing up. Many of the kids at church were crueler than those at school, and I had to go to school with many of them too. Not only that, but so many of the things they taught, that I believed whole heartedly, failed me when I needed them most. I'm mad at her because even after I stopped going to her church, she was so wrapped up in going and serving, she would either neglect her family, kill herself between work, family, and church responsibilities, or both. We/ I have repeatedly wanted to visit, and now "allow" her to see her grandbaby, and so many times she says she can't because of church. I understand serving God is important, but family is too.

I'm angry at my wife. Though not as much as others. So many times it seems she does not fully appreciate how hard I work to give her everything she has. And how stressed I am most of the time. I try to keep her out of it ( I know, we married and I should communicate) so she won't get stressed.

And I am angry at myself. I want to communicate with my wife, help more around the house. But I am so tired and stressed from work and all that I have no energy. And what little I do have left, I use to spend with her and Carly. I am angry that I have no energy.

I am angry at my job, for not having enough people, for hiring people who can't do the job or refuse to, and for not getting rid of certain people that they could have and should have a long time ago, now creating more work than needed.

I am angry with God for allowing me to be treated like crap growing up. For allowing it to seem like I get punished for helping people. Every time I do, either I end up hurting myself, or the person I help hurts me.

Of all I am angry with though, it is mostly all those that treated me so harshly growing up. I have gotten a few apologies, and I have forgiven them, but I want the rest to. But I guess that wil never happen.