Wednesday, December 17, 2008

True Meaning of Christmas

This time of year it seems everyone loses sight of the true meaning of christmas. With all the hustle and bustle, comings and goings, parties, and all the such, its easy to forget. Easy to fotget the real meaning is to get ME presents. Yes, I said for everyone to get ME something!

Ok seriously, I was just kidding, But you are welcome to get me stuff! We need to remmeber that this s the time we celebrate Christ's birth. And the miracle of his birth and life. Ok so not everyone is Christian, or celebrates christmas, but even so this time of year is a time of goodwill. I have not heard of any religon where goodwill is not taught. This is a time of year where we tend to help the helpless more, where we spend time with those we love.

So I challenge us all to remember this as we go in deeper into the holiday season. Christmas is only a week away, fastly approaching, and it will be really easy to lose sight of the truth.

So tell those you love you love them. Remember in your heart those less fortuante, and thank God and Christ (or if not Christian, your God) for all you have.

Merry Christmas all!

Monday, December 15, 2008

I'm not perfect

First off, thank you for those who are reading and commenting, like I said before your comments mean alot to me. Next, we did not go to church yesterday, Dawn's birthday is tommorrow, and we celebrated yesterday, since i work tommorrow, by just spending time together and relaxing.

Ok, as my blog states, I am not perfect.I doubt anyone got that impression from my blogs, but perhaps by reading my blog concerning my anger, and the girl from my past, may have seemed that I thought that I am.

I am not really ashamed of anything I have done, but some stuff I kinda regret, or wish I had done differently. If that makes any sense at all.

Ok, first, yes I was terrorized growing up, and generally I was a nice person. But in elementary school I did kinda pick on a girl who was kinda off. Never out right mean, just kinda picking. She did invite some of it (I know now I may have too, but it still doesn't excuse it) but that doesn't excuse my actions. A few years later, I saw her at the skating rink, and was nice to her. I could tell she was thrilled, although admittedly I was mostly doing it to impress another girl. Also, shortly before I met my wife, I dated this girl that I had known groing up. A girl that I had liked growing up from a summer camp, and hadn't seen in years, close to 20 to be precise. Weirdly I recognized her immediately when she came to see the movie with her friend. (I was working at the theater at the time) I was crazy about this girl when we went to camp together for those couple years. (loooooong before I ever met the girl from my post) And sadly we lost touch. We dated for a few months, and finally I had to end it. I had to end it because I ended up realizing that all I felt was friendship. Unfortunately I didnt realize this until we tried to lose our virginities to eachother. I say tried, but both decided to stop. See, I couldnt get laid to save my life. Seriously, if getting some would have saved my life, I would have died. Hell, forget getting laid, I just wanted a date, and a girlfriend. But just a date first. I realized that I was mostly dating her, hoping to get some. And trying to make feeling be there that weren't. Yes, it is good I ended it before doing anything, one I would not have my wife (she didn't want to lose hers, unless the guy was one), and more importantly, it would have been really wrong. But still, I feel bad that I was doing that, even without really realizing it.

I was in an online relationship with a girl in the midwest, and ended it right after she sent me a pic of her. Now it wasn't really because of her pic, although that did play a role, but I met a girl online that was in town, and drop dead gorgeous (turned out that was just outside, inside fugly as all hell). But I know the timing was bad, espescially since we were planning on me coming out to see her that summer.

I have done some other things too, just can't really recall them all. I have tried a few drugs, other than tobacco and alcohol. I do not regret weed, in fact I want some now. They need to legalize it. But I have tried crack once, and snorted adderall (adult ridalin). Nothing happened with the adderall; just could breathe a little better. As far as crack, well maybe i was too stoned to tell, but nothing really happened off one hit. My whole jaw went numb (which I was told was supposed to happen) and that night I slept better than I had in years. And it tasted like someone sprayed Raid in my mouth (you know when you spray, and accidentally inhale it? think it going right in) and it was nasty. Forget the harm it does, the taste alone should be a deterrent. I was told it is supposed to taste like that. So other than weed, I am now anti drugs.

Being gullible is a regret too, I am too trusting at times. I know there are other things too.

So, to all I have apologized to, I apologize again, and if I have ever offended you now, or in the past, I am sorry. If I have wronged you, I am sorry. really I am. I may not know it, and if you want to tell me, I am game, but please know I am sorry, and most likely did not intend to.

Saturday, December 13, 2008


hello. i hope people are still reading this, other than my wife. first off, thank you to randi and becky for their help with my hamstring situation. its better for now, hopefully for good.

second. i have an xbox360. dawn got it for me for father's day, id wanted it for a while. we also have a Wii. i dont know our Wii adderess off the top of my head, but my gamer card is HAPYHUBY. let me know yours if you have one and we can link up. maybe play on live together.

also, this pertains to people here in town, but really anyone is cool... howabout a gaming group? video games, board games, the such. both of us like games, just really no one to play with. randi has suggested it, and i think its a great idea.

i also saw on Stephanie's blog a link to an online book club, another neat idea, either a few of us join her's, or start our own. she also has a recipe thing i saw, how about a recipe swap? we get kinda tired eating the same stuff. sorry Steph if i am stealing your ideas, but they good ones.

also, i know things are tight for everyone, but Dawn is a Pampered Chef rep. she can do reak shows, or catalog shows. for you many miles away, a catalog show, she would send you one, you tell her what you want, she orders, and it gets sent right to you. if you are interested, let her know through my blog, or her's for her email. also, i am liquidatig my sword collection, if you are interested in it, or pieces let me know.

i am sure after PK's sermon i will have something to say tommorrow, so later for now!

and remember Eagles may soar, but the weasle does not get sucked into jet engines.

Friday, December 12, 2008

few updates

well those following me.... no i have not heard from that person yet, and i may not, no worries about that though, i honestly dont expect to. if you knew the whole story, i just sumarized it. and as i said, i have let the pain and all go.

but!!!!! i have good news! as of right now it is almost guaranteed that i am going to sales really soon. more time with family coming! i was told by a source, and very reliable, that all i have to do is to formally apply, if they will just post it though. lol. cant apply without the job number.

christmas is coming fast, if you want to send me a gift, ask me for my adderess! just kidding. i hope everyone has a good one! i will email everyone personally as it gets closer.

i have driving school in the morning, so i will be bored for four hours, but it will avoid points on liscence.

i have a random question, if anyone knows. i have a shotgun, 20 gauge pump. for home defense. i have had safety classes, but never learned if ammo expires. i have had the shells for about 2 years almost, never shot them. no where to safely shoot and never needed protection knock on wood. do they expire. i would hate to need them and they not work, or even worse explode in the gun.

drink pepsi and keep me in a job!!! or mist, or dew

Thursday, December 11, 2008

My life

at this point in my life 2 songs sum up perfectly whats going on. the first is Never Enough by Five Finger Deathpunch and the second Life is beautiful by Sixx A.M.

I have the lyrics of each following. Its the message of each that sums up things. And I am willing to bet that like me, Never Enough applies to Randi's husband's job too. sorry about the format/ you can go do a search on yahoo if you want to read it better

Never Enough lyricsI'm so fed up with everyone around me(No one seems to care)I'm just so far gone and nothing's gonna change(I'll never be the same)It's always do this, do that, Everything they want toI don't want to live that wayEvery chance they get they're alwaysPushing me away[Chorus:]It's never enoughNo it's never enoughNo matter what I sayIt's never enoughNo it's never enoughI'll never be what you want me to beIt's all so messed up and no one ever listens(Everyone's deranged)I'm just so fucked up and I'm never gonna change(Wanna lay it all to waste)Their always say this, say that, Nothing that you want toI don't want to live that wayEvery chance they get they're alwaysShoving me aside[Chorus]I'm Done[Bridge:]In the end we're all just chalklines on the concreteDrawn only to be washed awayFor the time that I've been givenI am what I amI'd rather hate youFor everything you areThan ever love youFor something you are notI'd rather you hate meFor everything I amThan have you love meFor something that I aintIt's never enoughIt's never enoughNo matter what I sayIt's never enoughNo it's never enoughNo matter who I try to beIt's never enoughNo it's never enoughNo matter how I try to tasteIt's never enoughNever never enoughI'll never be what you want me to be.

Life Is Beautiful lyricsYou can’t quit until you tryYou can’t live until you dieYou can’t learn to tell the truthUntil you learn to lieYou can’t breathe until you chokeYou gotta laugh when you’re the jokeThere’s nothing like a funeral to make you feel aliveJust open your eyesJust open your eyesAnd see that life is beautiful.Will you swear on your life,That no one will cry at my funeral?I know some things that you don’tI’ve done things that you won’tThere’s nothing like a trail of blood to find your way back homeI was waiting for my hearseWhat came next was so much worseIt took a funeral to make me feel aliveJust open your eyesJust open your eyesAnd see that life is beautiful.Will you swear on your life,That no one will cry at my funeral?Just open your eyesJust open your eyesAnd see that life is beautiful.Will you swear on your life,That no one will cry at my funeral?Just open your eyesJust open your eyesAnd see that life is beautiful.Will you swear on your life,That no one will cry at my funeral?Just open your eyesJust open your eyesAnd see that life is beautiful.Will you swear on your life,That no one will cry at my funeral?

alot of changes 2.0

As I said, there have been some changes in me and my life. Recently I posted a few blogs, one in particular that I recieved many comments on. That would be the one on anger. Yes, I was a very angry person. But since I wrote it, the anger is subsiding. I know its God's doing, sorry all you helped, but he did it. like I have said in Sunday school, I have been more calm these past few weeks coming to church, calmer than I have been in years, but still wound up a little.

But my anger towards all those that tormented me growing up, that was still there. But I have let it go, for the most part. yes, I still want an apology from all those that tormented me, but I know most will never do it. So I am not holding my breath anymore. it may sound immature, but I'm better than that/them.

How did I do it some may wonder. Well I will tell you, without going into rich details, b/c the person who is mainly responsible may not want our history known to all. So I will not use names. So if you are reading this, dont worry you are safe. heck, I dont even know if you will hear about this or read it. But your identity will remain hidden, unless you make yourself known. Some of this you will have already read in my email I sent you though,....if you even see this.

Ok now. Growing up, I would say around the time I was 8 yrs old, I met this girl. At first sight, I had no interest in her. But at second sight I developed a crush. Throughout the years that crush became love. And for years I was MADLY head over heels in love with her. I was so messed up, had she asked me to kill someone, I probably would have, I would have asked why, but I would have most likely done it anyways. Sadly,..she had no interest in me. I was once told that initially she did, then she became friends with someone who did not like me at all, and she followed suit. Whether this is true or not is not revelant though. Every breath I took was for her. Some say its not love unless they return the feelings, but I know otherwise. Love can be one sided. Anyways..

For years I loved her. There were times that I thought she might have feelings for me, but every time I was wrong. To make matters worse (although she didnt mean to i know) her mom would refer to me frequently as her future son-in-law; and threaten to not allow me to date her if I didnt sing in church. Yes, her mom actually said this, and guess what I sang my horrible voice loudly and my heart out. And every time that my feelings would subside some, I would pay less attention to her. This in turn would cause her to be nicer to me. And I mean alot NICER to me, thus feeding my feelings.

Finally, not souly b/c of her, in fact very little her, but she did contribute (sorry it is true, i would be lying if i said otherwise) I atempted to hang myself. I was miserable. I wont go into details here, but feel free to ask me how I chose hanging. Obviously i failed. Which is good now. =)

At that point I broke free of the mormon church, some things i relied on failed me, so i had to quit. I still kept in contact with a few people, including some she ended up dating (after the fact). talking to one guy that i worked with a short bit, he had some similarities to my story, an he dated her a while! It was then that I determined that she consciously unconsciously led me on. What I mean is when my feelings let up, and I started paying less attention to her, she didnt like that. So she would be nicer to me, knowing that I would pay attention to her. this is the conscious part. But, the plan would back fire. I would pay more attention than she wanted, thus the unconscious part. i also heardfrom another source some very disturbing things, again mirroring my story. and this source admitted that this girl screwed me up and they were mad about it.

Anyways, I am not trying to dig up the past, just laying groundwork for my changes.

I left the church, started drinking, heavily at one point, not a problem, just enjoying life. I smoked, and blazed up. (which i still miss, please legalize) Eventually I met my wonderful wife. And I had heard she met a guy too. But I didnt care, I didnt want anything to do with her. Just thinking of her hurt me. Well I got married, and I heard she did too. Again, didnt want to think about it. I had already forgiven her, and felt sorry for her from the things i had heard, but i wanted NO contact.

I found her sister through myspace, a girl i was really good friends with back then, and started talking, all the while leaving this girl out of the emails. And guess what, even just talking to her sis, didnt bring up any feelings, but still no contact.

After posting the anger blog, i got to thinking, i cant really say i have forgiven her for her role in our saga (i say her role b/c i feel we both to blame) if i avoid her like a leper,..right? so i looked her up and made contact. Even though I had no contact i still thought about her and wondered what if....even after I was married. heck, shes not the only one i thought about. but usually only after a big fight or when i was depressed. how could i forget her completely? she was a huge part of my life for easily 10 years plus. i know others reading this know what i mean, you happy, but every now and then you wonder....just wonder. the point is not to dwell on it, then you create a problem.

So...... I contacted her, told her I was sorry for my part, and that I forgave her for hers. i admit/ admitted that we both, INCLUDING ME madeand offered a real hand of friendship. She initially responded, but i still havent heard back again. But i was surprised, and relieved.

GUESS WHAT!!!!, Even before I heard back, I instanly felt better. I had let all this pain go, and felt like I could let it all go. granted i do not recall her harassing me, but loving someone who doesnt share the feelings, hurts too. we all can relate im sure. just remember that person you asked "do you like me, check yes or no" and they checked no. how much that hurt at the time.
so i have let it go, all of it. hopefully she will accept my friendship. if not o well, im not going to cry about it. point is i feel so much better, and ironically, it is because of her.

We both happily married, have a kid, although shes preggers again, and we not, but discussing it kinda. She lives hundereds of miles away, and is very happy. So am I. I have grown, and I know full well, had I not started going to church and made friends with Southside people, it would be years from now, if ever i were able to let my pain from her go, but even more than her, all the pain from my tormenters go. Thinking of her helped calm me down at times growning up, but never ended the pain.

The pain is gone, thank you God, Southside family, my wife, and again ironically you (her).

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

alot of changes

i am not doing this tonite, we got slammed at work today, and we still have our 2 busiest days left to go. so i am tired, very tired.

recently i recieved some comments on a few blogs, and they meant alot to me. because of these comments, and the people know who they are, or should, things have been better. i feel better, well spiritually and emotionally, not physically. my leg is still sore, and i still have a little cold. just hearing from one person in particular took alot of weight off me, in fact i initiated the contact, and i instantly felt better afterwards, more so when they responded. you know who you are, and thank you. thats what my next blog is about, so keep watch. i do promise----Randi, there will not be as harsh stuff in this one, if any harsh stuff. of course knowing you, you will cry even more with this one, b/c God is changing me. but thats ok, we love that you are so spiritual and sensitive and stuff, you know im jus joshing ya.

well all later and good nite. i will leave you with a little pearl i recently heard. you may have heard it.
"Life isn't really like a box of chocolates. Its more like a jar of jalepenos. What you do today may burn your ass tommorrow"

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Thank You

Thank you all who have been reading, and to those who may be just starting. Your comments do mean alot to me. Today was ok, other than my sore leg (see previous post) and the fact i am still fighting off a cold.

random health question

the back of my right thigh is KILLING ME. well maybe not really killing me. i can walk ok, maybe a slight limp. but it REALLY hurts. kinda a dull ache. isnt that where the hamstring is? if so, how would i know if i damaged it?

Saturday, December 6, 2008

I'm an angry person

Last Sunday PK completed his series "The Emo Whisperer" with a sermon on Anger. I tell you, it got to me, not as much as his on jealousy, but it got me. To me, both went hand in hand. I am angry at soooo many people from over the years. PK said part of letting it go, we have to identify what was taken from us, so we can frogive the debt. But thats whats hard, with so many people I am mad at, they really didn't take anything per say, just really hurt my feelings, and I mean REALLY hurt my feelings. I figured one way to healing is to get it all out there.

I am angry with all the kids from my school years, elementary through high school, and there are alot of those. I was treated horrifically for my entire youth. Constantly bullied and harassed. It was so bad that at the very beginning of my freshman year in highschool I attempted suicide. I am also angry at the adults that were around, who didn't do anything to try to end my torment, or tried to blame me for it, or imply that I WAS CAUSING IT. This means teachers, youth leaders, church leaders, and parents of other kids. I actually asked a teacher in 6th grade why I was always getting sent to the office, instead of the kids doing the wrong. She actually replied that it was easier to send one person (me) instead of 5-10, or the rest of the class. While there was a point to that logic, I pointed out that it made me look and feel like I was the problem.

I am angry at my father (he has no right to be called dad) for being a creep and causing my mom to leave him, then for being a pedophile (not to me or my sis thank god) afterwards and going to prison. He was never there, and a very sick individual, and I never knew him, and do not want to, but that doesn't change the fact that things could have been different had he been there.

I am angry at my mom, for many reasons. For raising me as a Mormon. This is a big root of my pain growing up. Many of the kids at church were crueler than those at school, and I had to go to school with many of them too. Not only that, but so many of the things they taught, that I believed whole heartedly, failed me when I needed them most. I'm mad at her because even after I stopped going to her church, she was so wrapped up in going and serving, she would either neglect her family, kill herself between work, family, and church responsibilities, or both. We/ I have repeatedly wanted to visit, and now "allow" her to see her grandbaby, and so many times she says she can't because of church. I understand serving God is important, but family is too.

I'm angry at my wife. Though not as much as others. So many times it seems she does not fully appreciate how hard I work to give her everything she has. And how stressed I am most of the time. I try to keep her out of it ( I know, we married and I should communicate) so she won't get stressed.

And I am angry at myself. I want to communicate with my wife, help more around the house. But I am so tired and stressed from work and all that I have no energy. And what little I do have left, I use to spend with her and Carly. I am angry that I have no energy.

I am angry at my job, for not having enough people, for hiring people who can't do the job or refuse to, and for not getting rid of certain people that they could have and should have a long time ago, now creating more work than needed.

I am angry with God for allowing me to be treated like crap growing up. For allowing it to seem like I get punished for helping people. Every time I do, either I end up hurting myself, or the person I help hurts me.

Of all I am angry with though, it is mostly all those that treated me so harshly growing up. I have gotten a few apologies, and I have forgiven them, but I want the rest to. But I guess that wil never happen.