alot of changes 2.0

As I said, there have been some changes in me and my life. Recently I posted a few blogs, one in particular that I recieved many comments on. That would be the one on anger. Yes, I was a very angry person. But since I wrote it, the anger is subsiding. I know its God's doing, sorry all you helped, but he did it. like I have said in Sunday school, I have been more calm these past few weeks coming to church, calmer than I have been in years, but still wound up a little.

But my anger towards all those that tormented me growing up, that was still there. But I have let it go, for the most part. yes, I still want an apology from all those that tormented me, but I know most will never do it. So I am not holding my breath anymore. it may sound immature, but I'm better than that/them.

How did I do it some may wonder. Well I will tell you, without going into rich details, b/c the person who is mainly responsible may not want our history known to all. So I will not use names. So if you are reading this, dont worry you are safe. heck, I dont even know if you will hear about this or read it. But your identity will remain hidden, unless you make yourself known. Some of this you will have already read in my email I sent you though,....if you even see this.

Ok now. Growing up, I would say around the time I was 8 yrs old, I met this girl. At first sight, I had no interest in her. But at second sight I developed a crush. Throughout the years that crush became love. And for years I was MADLY head over heels in love with her. I was so messed up, had she asked me to kill someone, I probably would have, I would have asked why, but I would have most likely done it anyways. Sadly,..she had no interest in me. I was once told that initially she did, then she became friends with someone who did not like me at all, and she followed suit. Whether this is true or not is not revelant though. Every breath I took was for her. Some say its not love unless they return the feelings, but I know otherwise. Love can be one sided. Anyways..

For years I loved her. There were times that I thought she might have feelings for me, but every time I was wrong. To make matters worse (although she didnt mean to i know) her mom would refer to me frequently as her future son-in-law; and threaten to not allow me to date her if I didnt sing in church. Yes, her mom actually said this, and guess what I sang my horrible voice loudly and my heart out. And every time that my feelings would subside some, I would pay less attention to her. This in turn would cause her to be nicer to me. And I mean alot NICER to me, thus feeding my feelings.

Finally, not souly b/c of her, in fact very little her, but she did contribute (sorry it is true, i would be lying if i said otherwise) I atempted to hang myself. I was miserable. I wont go into details here, but feel free to ask me how I chose hanging. Obviously i failed. Which is good now. =)

At that point I broke free of the mormon church, some things i relied on failed me, so i had to quit. I still kept in contact with a few people, including some she ended up dating (after the fact). talking to one guy that i worked with a short bit, he had some similarities to my story, an he dated her a while! It was then that I determined that she consciously unconsciously led me on. What I mean is when my feelings let up, and I started paying less attention to her, she didnt like that. So she would be nicer to me, knowing that I would pay attention to her. this is the conscious part. But, the plan would back fire. I would pay more attention than she wanted, thus the unconscious part. i also heardfrom another source some very disturbing things, again mirroring my story. and this source admitted that this girl screwed me up and they were mad about it.

Anyways, I am not trying to dig up the past, just laying groundwork for my changes.

I left the church, started drinking, heavily at one point, not a problem, just enjoying life. I smoked, and blazed up. (which i still miss, please legalize) Eventually I met my wonderful wife. And I had heard she met a guy too. But I didnt care, I didnt want anything to do with her. Just thinking of her hurt me. Well I got married, and I heard she did too. Again, didnt want to think about it. I had already forgiven her, and felt sorry for her from the things i had heard, but i wanted NO contact.

I found her sister through myspace, a girl i was really good friends with back then, and started talking, all the while leaving this girl out of the emails. And guess what, even just talking to her sis, didnt bring up any feelings, but still no contact.

After posting the anger blog, i got to thinking, i cant really say i have forgiven her for her role in our saga (i say her role b/c i feel we both to blame) if i avoid her like a leper,..right? so i looked her up and made contact. Even though I had no contact i still thought about her and wondered what if....even after I was married. heck, shes not the only one i thought about. but usually only after a big fight or when i was depressed. how could i forget her completely? she was a huge part of my life for easily 10 years plus. i know others reading this know what i mean, you happy, but every now and then you wonder....just wonder. the point is not to dwell on it, then you create a problem.

So...... I contacted her, told her I was sorry for my part, and that I forgave her for hers. i admit/ admitted that we both, INCLUDING ME madeand offered a real hand of friendship. She initially responded, but i still havent heard back again. But i was surprised, and relieved.

GUESS WHAT!!!!, Even before I heard back, I instanly felt better. I had let all this pain go, and felt like I could let it all go. granted i do not recall her harassing me, but loving someone who doesnt share the feelings, hurts too. we all can relate im sure. just remember that person you asked "do you like me, check yes or no" and they checked no. how much that hurt at the time.
so i have let it go, all of it. hopefully she will accept my friendship. if not o well, im not going to cry about it. point is i feel so much better, and ironically, it is because of her.

We both happily married, have a kid, although shes preggers again, and we not, but discussing it kinda. She lives hundereds of miles away, and is very happy. So am I. I have grown, and I know full well, had I not started going to church and made friends with Southside people, it would be years from now, if ever i were able to let my pain from her go, but even more than her, all the pain from my tormenters go. Thinking of her helped calm me down at times growning up, but never ended the pain.

The pain is gone, thank you God, Southside family, my wife, and again ironically you (her).