What do you have against me?

i have been debating on writing this for this entire past week. finally i decided to do it. of course im exhausted from working all week, today included. we went in at 4 am, so i really am tired, and hopefully this will make sense.



last sunday, our pastor, Pastor Kelly (PK for short) gave a sermon on jealousy as part of his Emo Whisperer series. it really affected me. not that i am really jealous or envious of someone in particular, but its what he said that got to me. so much that i was in tears after i went up front and prayed at the end of the sermon. what got to me so much you may wonder? i may be misquoting him, but the jist of what got to me was that it is okay to blame/accuse God of screwing you over. granted He may really not be to blame, but you think it right? so why not tell him. he already knows you think it, so hes not going to strike you down. heres my story:

not many, if any of you, really know me. but i was raised Mormon. (to make things clear. they are a Christian religon, but im not getting into that here now) many religons, including the LDS (Mormons) believe that God answers prayers, and that He will never try/ test you beyond what you can handle. however, they way they teach or taught it to me was a little different. see i was constantly bullied, harassed, picked on, and pretty much tortured growing up. i dont really know why, but i was a victim of much terror. i was a good kid, didnt cause any real trouble, and stayed out of it too, for the most part. so i did not deserve any of it in the least bit. and ironically, the kids at church were worse than kids at school usually. and even worse, i went to school with some of them. and alot of the leaders/ adults didnt really seem to care, same with the teachers at school too. i prayed and prayed and prayed for years for it to end, or let up. it never did. in fact it would GET WORSE every time i prayed. so naturally i lost my faith. i would be in tears every nite praying. ive since learned my mom was too. finally i took matters into my own hands. i attempted suicide. i tried to hange myself. its a kinda funny story that i will tell those who want to know, but im not here now. obviously it didnt work, and im still here. i blamed GOD for the longest time for things getting worse. i said he made them worse. i was told that he didnt make them worse, but my argument was, and still is, that MAYBE he didnt, but he let them get worse. and that really hurt(s).
i have always been as helpful as i could without hurting myself, although it seems i end up doing that. so has my wife. so naturally we get together and we end up doing nice things for and to people and organizations and get burned. we stuggle, LITERALLY to make ends meet. there have been too many times we didnt know where our meals would come from. espescially now with Carly, she cant go hungry, we could if we had to. we are not bad people, and even though we do need help (im not asking, but we will accept if someone really wants to, but thats not what this blog is about) we rarely ask for it b/c we do know there are those who honestly need it more than us.
so anyways, when PK started talking about envy and jealousy, and said that everything we own is actually God's, that HE allowed us to get it, that He gave us it, and that if He did not want us to have it, we wouldnt, it got to me. it got to me b/c i was a good person, and we are good people. why was i tormented to the point of wanting to die, why do my wife and i struggle sooo much? why all this when we are good people? we help someone and they steal from us? or an emergency happens that cripples us financially for a bit right after we help them? why do we have it so freakin hard when some just as generous as us have it easier? or even worse, those who are evil or just rotten people have it easy. they have everything they want for the most part. PK said it was okay to tell God that we think he cheated us, and I did. i still feel he has and does. but i feel better about it. he has a plan, and i dont know it yet, but if everything we have is his essentially, then he should know what he is doing. but years ago i was made to feel bad that i felt that God was cheating me. when PK said these things, i was literally brought to tears. b/c he said God knew what i was thinking, so i might as well say it to him. saying it made me feel better. yes, we are still having problems makin ends meet. yes we still need help, but since i know that if it gets to the point that i feel he is cheating me, i can say it if i need to, i am doing better. thank you PK. so the title of my blog is pretty much what i asked God. i havent gotten an answer why i have it harder, but i know i dont have to feel guilty for feeling cheated. again thank you PK